Ocarina of Time in Fifteen Minutes or Less
by Poketheveil
Summary: A hardly talking Link, a very demanding Navi, a peepingtomette Zelda, and a Ganondorf that has two half brothers? Yep, it's all in here!


Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda, Harry Potter, Lord of The Rings, or The Medallion. Kind of sad, really.

A/N: This is a completely random story…but it's funny! (And we all know that we think these things sometimes while playing Ocarina of Time! (Um…I'm not the only one, am I?) Anyway…)

Anything in ( ) are actions that they are doing!

GREAT DEKU TREE: Go NOW Navi!

NAVI: Okay! (flies off, slams into a gate, then flies around Link yelling 'Hey! Hey! Get up, you lazy boy!')

LINK: (groan, shivers, moans, then stops looking for sympathy from the fairy once he realizes he will get none) YAWN…(spots Navi)AAAAAHHHHH! KILLER FAIRY!

NAVI: Finally, you awake! C'mon, let's go see the GREAT DEKU TREE!

LINK: Okay….

They go out of Link's small-on-the-outside bigger-on-the-inside treehouse.

SARIA: (runs up with a smile on her face) HEY LINK! You've got a fairy! Alright! Gimme five!

LINK: ….

SARIA: What! The GREAT DEKU TREE wants to see you?

LINK? ('when did I tell her that!')

SARIA: Get going!

LINK: (runs away, over to the entrance to the path to the GREAT DEKU TREE)

MIDO: (steps out of the non-existent shadows) You can't go see him, 'cause I'm jealous of you getting the attention from everyone, you FREAK! We promised we'd stomp the magic out of you when we took you in!...um…oops…get a sword and shield and I _might_ let you through!

LINK: (shrugs, then runs away)

NAVI: OVER HERE! I FOUND A SWORD AND A SHIELD AND YOU WILL GET THEM!

LINK: (gets them)

NAVI: LET'S GO NOW!

LINK: (runs back to Mido, who is talking to a non-existent half-giant named Hagrid, arguing how he won't let a 'crackpot old fool teach this boy magic tricks!')

MIDO: ….Magic tricks!...OH! You're back. WHAT'S THAT? YOU'VE GOT A SWORD AND A SHIELD! I don't even have those….erm…I mean FINE, GO AHEAD! (sobs and goes off)

LINK: (goes and sees the GREAT DEKU TREE)

GREAT DEKU TREE: NAVI! Thou hast returned with Link! Now, Link, I've got a curse, okay? Go get rid of it and I might give you a shiny-rock that you know nothing whatsoever about! (opens wide)

LINK: (looks disgusted, goes inside)

(ten seconds later)

GREAT DEKU TREE: PTOOOEE! (spits Link and Navi out of mouth) You got rid of the bad Ghoma spider gal, but you're too late for me! No, don't cry –

LINK?

NAVI: (sniff)

GREAT DEKU TREE: I was doomed before you started. Take this rock and go see the princess named Zelda that you know nothing whatsoever about, okay? (spits out rock – er, 'The Forest Emerald', and then promptly dies a 'heroic' death.)

NAVI: (bawls) GOOD-BYE, GREAT DEKU TREE! (sob, bawl, cry, pout, bawl, sob)

LINK: (shrugs, then runs off)

MIDO: Caught in the act, Potter! – er, Link! I'll have you this time! YOU KILLED LILY AND JAMES – er, THE GREAT DEKU TREE, SIRIUS – er, Link! HOW COULD YOU? (runs off bawling and laughing at the same time)

LINK!

NAVI: LET'S GO!

(after a LOOOOOOOONG talk to the boring – er, 'insightful' owl and an even shorter walk, they were in the MARKET)

GIRL: OOOOOOoooooOOOOOO! CHIKEN! HEH HEH!

LINK! ('It's 'chicken', not 'chiken'!)

MALON: HI! I'm a sorta major plot point! If you don't meet me now you'll never get a cukoo egg or meet Epona and get her song, and then you won't be able to get a horse, and then you'll have to walk too much!

LINK: (snores)

MALON: WOW! You're from the forest, fairy boy!

NAVI: (humph)

LINK: (walks up the trail to Hyrule)

(after another long, boring, pointless talk to the 'insightful' owl)

MALON: Here, take this cukoo egg.

LINK: (snatches, climbs up vine, walks past the blind and deaf guards, climbs another vine, jumps into the moat, swims over to a conveniently mud-filled corner, climbs out of the moat, goes over to a sleeping ranch man, waits until morning when the cukoo egg hatches, wakes up the man, waits until the man runs away in fear of his daughter, then puts the strategically-placed milk boxes on top of each other, climbs on top, jumps across to a who-knows-why-they-put-that-there-if-they-don't-want-people-to-come-in hole in the wall, crawls inside while nearly drowning, sneaks past more blind and deaf guards, enters a courtyard, and walks up behind a peeping-tomette Zelda)

PEEPING TOMETTE ZELDA: OH! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I WASN'T PEEPING!...er, hi! Hey! You were so in my dream and like I know you're gonna save Hyrule, so take this note and help me!

LINK: …..(shakes head in agreement) (okay)

ZELDA: YAY! Now my mysterious nanny that acts kinda like McGonagall (whom I've never heard of or met in my entire short life) take you out of here!

NANNY: NOOOOOO! My name is not nanny! My name is – well, I can't remember it anyway! So, come on and we'll apparate but not apparate out of here! (throws seed and they are mysteriously outside of the whole town) See that? It is Death Mountain and you WILL go there and get the next stone. GOT IT?

LINK: (nods)

NAVI: YAY! Another pretty stone! C'mon!

(after getting a big shield, bypassing some psycho cukoos and stealing a bottle from a woman, they get stopped by the Blind and deaf guard that sees people)

BLIND AND DEAF GUARD THAT SEES PEOPLE: DUDES! STOP RIGHT THERE! You can't go up there – oh, wait, she gave you that signed note-thing, right? FINE! (sobs) GO UP THERE!

(gate opens)

LINK: (rolls eyes at sobbing guard, goes and learns Saria's song, then goes up mountain, defeats the KING DIDONGO, gets a pretty fire stone, then runs off to the great fairy, gets a power, goes over to the swimming guys, gets the snob princess Ruto out of Jabbu Jabbu's belly, then gets the last stone (while narrowly escaping becoming engaged at such a young age), goes back to the castle, gets stopped by Ganondorf)

GANONDORF: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I am just like Anold….I mean, I take after my two half-brothers, Sauron and Voldemort! EAT MY ELECTRIC LIGHTENING POWER, WEAKLING!

LINK?...AAAAAAAAAHHHH!

NAVI: (gasp) You actually _said_ something!

LINK: (nods head)

NAVI: Well, so much for that lasting.

(they get the Ocarina of Time, learn the song of time, Epona's song, get Din's fire, Farore's Wind, and then gets the Master Sword)

GANONDORK – er, GANONDORF: MWAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU DIDN'T THINK I COULD SAY MY EVIL LAUGH IN MORE THAN ONE SPELLING, DID YOU! HUH, HUH? OH YEAH! NOW I'M GONNA TAKE OVER HYRULE, THEN THE WORLD! MUAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

LINK: …….?...! (blacks out for seven years even though he doesn't know it was seven years but yeah you know)

COMMANDING VOICE OF A SAGE NO ONE HAD EVER HEARD ABOUT: LINK! Wake up and look at yourself and don't be alarmed because you were sealed inside here for seven years of the evil reign of Ganondork – er Ganondorf and then take my Medallion (which conveniently makes you immortal if you are brought back to life with it) and go wake the other sages and then meet Sheik back at the Temple of Time and find out that he's Zelda!

LINK: (does what he is told like a good little boy)

SHIEK – er, ZELDA: (gets trapped in a crystal thing)

GANONDORK – um…GANONDORF: MUAHAHAHAHA! WE MEET AGAIN! NOW GO GET THOSE GOLD GAUNTLETS AND COME INSIDE MY EVIL FORTRESS, GET PAST ALL MY UNDEFEATABLE DEFENSES, 'KILL' ME, HAVE ZELDA LEAD YOU OUT, COME BACK TO THE RUINS TO FIND ME 'UNDEAD', WATCH ME BECOME A DRAGON, AND DEFEAT ME AGAIN!

LINK: (does this)

GANON: NOOOOOOO! (blows up and gets thrown into the Chamber of Sages in one of the other chamber-rooms)

ZELDA: (doesn't kiss Link (much to his relief), sends him back to his time)

NAVI: I'M FLYING AWAY! BET YOU CAN'T FIND ME! NYANYA!

LINK: (watches her fly away, gets on Epona, rides away to find the place where Majora's mask will happen………………………)

THE END!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

A/N: There you are! The completely wonderful (coughrandomcough) story! Thanks for reading, and don't leave without leaving a review (PLEASE!)!

Poketheveil


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